*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
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I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
No point crayon over spilled milk.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.