Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.