Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
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-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments