Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Word!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?