Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Expect the unexporcupine.