The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?