boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr