@TheThomason: Obama: "Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?" Drops mic, walks away.

@chuuew: [Séance] *knock, knock* ME: Wh-who's there? [ouija board spells out A-T-C-H] ME: atch who? [spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U] ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

@Mikecanrant: A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Stay in school kids.

@DumbPeoplePosts: You sure?

@joshandbeyond: All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would've preferred a moaner or a biter.