@philandher96: Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.

@MooseAllain: Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@ElKnuckelhombre: Damn, i got hit with the "we need to talk" from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

@robfee: (At a funeral) Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

@TwatWaffler69: Wife: "they're disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!" Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?