Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.