@mrtruthandsoul: How many minutes after someone's fired is it cool to take their stapler?

@radtoria: SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP -Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks. ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

@djdarrellripley: Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?

@NYC_Blonde: I hate when my boyfriend's snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to die alone.

@SortaBad: [debate, 2020 election] Moderator: President Trump said you will 'hurt badly the growth' - how do you respond? Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could...take a look under their seats Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit