Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
You Might Also Like
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.