@mrtruthandsoul: How many minutes after someone's fired is it cool to take their stapler?
@radtoria: SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
@djdarrellripley: Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
@NYC_Blonde: I hate when my boyfriend's snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to die alone.
@SortaBad: [debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will 'hurt badly the growth' - how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could...take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
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