@Beatonm5: Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

@DumbPeoplePosts: You sure?

@WalkingOutside: Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

@redhotirish75: My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled," the guy last night made her scream louder." Then it got quiet..

@NurseMurderer: I'm in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don't poop.