Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Going into Monday like
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.