Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Yes, but it was never about money
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
who named him groot and not spruce lee
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.