Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.