HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Ok but actually
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.