HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
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Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.