Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing