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@shwebby3: Her: Are you okay?
Me: Yea, Great! This isn't even my blood!
@dance_blessed: Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you're also white.
@cervixsmash: Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son?
Son: I smoked weed, dad
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot
@iwearaonesie: *wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
"Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"
@lanyardigan: Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I've just always had a passion for making people feel bad
@DanMentos: [first date]
"so what do you do?"
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I'm a hedge fund manager