[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
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1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
This headline is a thing of beauty