Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
No laws when master is gone
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?