Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
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I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”