*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes đ
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My wife is hilarious
Weâve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and heâs halfway to Canada.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Imagine being at your therapistâs office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I could never be a therapist because I canât hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesnât change the fact you still live in your parentsâ basement.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: arenât we all
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
FeyoncĂ©âŠ
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
meanwhile over on facebook
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
âCan you uncut my spaghetti?â -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
âWhen god closes a door, he opens a windowâ
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.