*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
This is me 🤣🤣
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*