HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Is your wife single?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.