HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Cheers Twitter.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”