HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Strangers have the best candy.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries