HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
sensitive skin
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*