Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.