Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Google assistant rules
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I