listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
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My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem