Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
(yawn)
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee