Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I have never related to a cat more
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me