Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
When you kidnap a writer.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”