her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I am patiently waiting for your email
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Hard not to take this personally
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”