me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys