her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
one last job
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Sunday
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.