her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
🛁
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.