Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.