her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Hard not to take this personally
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink