I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
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when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Skills
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Best seat on the street 😍
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”