HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Hey Fugeddaboutit