Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*