HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know