Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
started wrapping my pills in cheese
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
WWE is French for “yes”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Saw online –
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble