[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Love is in the air fryer.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
That’s amazing.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.