Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Have a lovely day 😊
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball