Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.