Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.