Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Pretty much. 🤣
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.