HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
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I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too