I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.