Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
huge if true: the moon
How I’d get arrested…
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.