I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*