ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
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“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!