Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be